Elementary Carpentry, My Dear Sumner
Home Renovations, Season 1, Episode 1.
Is is just in my imagination, or does Mike Holmes, star of the HGTV's Holmes On Homes renovation show look suspiciously like Gordon Sumner, aka Sting, of this year's unbelievably lame Police reunion tour? Sure Holmes is a far beefier, less shit-talking, more overalls-wearing version of the renowned tantric practitioner, but I definitely see a resemblance. Maybe it's all about the tufty receding blond hair:
Yep, it's definitely the hair. Not so much the eyes. Whereas Holmes' eyes seem to be saying "you really shouldn't have removed that load-bearing post; it's compromised the entire second floor and now we're just going to have to replace it again. You've wasted your time and mine.", Sting's eyes announce, "I like to give the impression that I'm a profound man who empathizes with the suffering of the entire world, but really I'm just an arrogant wank."
All this is a long segue into me reporting that I've decided to play less bass guitar and do way more carpentry work than I'm really comfortable doing. Why? Because of the back deck. That all-important aspect of outdoor summer living and backyard enjoyment had fallen into sad decay these past couple of years, and it was time to do something about it before somebody finally fell through the deck, broke their back and sued me for all I was worth. Fortunately most of the neighbourhood cats can't afford lawyers, so I guess the odds of getting sued would have been negligible, but still. For the safety of all ranch dwellers and our feline friends, something had to be done.
Over the next few days I will post my progress through this harrowing adventure of backyard do-it-myselfedness. In reality, there's only about an hour and a half's worth of work left to do on the deck, so all of these stories will be presented after the fact. But for the sake of suspense, pretend that I'm just starting the job right now. Also, it turns out that I'm not nearly as inept a carpenter as I thought I would be, so there won't be any hilarious tales of collapsing structures, explosions, or runaway power tools. In fact, I might be hard-pressed to make the entire tale even remotely enjoyable, in which case this is a sad sad return to the blogging world for me.
Is is just in my imagination, or does Mike Holmes, star of the HGTV's Holmes On Homes renovation show look suspiciously like Gordon Sumner, aka Sting, of this year's unbelievably lame Police reunion tour? Sure Holmes is a far beefier, less shit-talking, more overalls-wearing version of the renowned tantric practitioner, but I definitely see a resemblance. Maybe it's all about the tufty receding blond hair:
Yep, it's definitely the hair. Not so much the eyes. Whereas Holmes' eyes seem to be saying "you really shouldn't have removed that load-bearing post; it's compromised the entire second floor and now we're just going to have to replace it again. You've wasted your time and mine.", Sting's eyes announce, "I like to give the impression that I'm a profound man who empathizes with the suffering of the entire world, but really I'm just an arrogant wank."
All this is a long segue into me reporting that I've decided to play less bass guitar and do way more carpentry work than I'm really comfortable doing. Why? Because of the back deck. That all-important aspect of outdoor summer living and backyard enjoyment had fallen into sad decay these past couple of years, and it was time to do something about it before somebody finally fell through the deck, broke their back and sued me for all I was worth. Fortunately most of the neighbourhood cats can't afford lawyers, so I guess the odds of getting sued would have been negligible, but still. For the safety of all ranch dwellers and our feline friends, something had to be done.
Over the next few days I will post my progress through this harrowing adventure of backyard do-it-myselfedness. In reality, there's only about an hour and a half's worth of work left to do on the deck, so all of these stories will be presented after the fact. But for the sake of suspense, pretend that I'm just starting the job right now. Also, it turns out that I'm not nearly as inept a carpenter as I thought I would be, so there won't be any hilarious tales of collapsing structures, explosions, or runaway power tools. In fact, I might be hard-pressed to make the entire tale even remotely enjoyable, in which case this is a sad sad return to the blogging world for me.
Labels: half-assed handyman repair jobs, Holmes, Rancho Relaxo, Sting
posted by Evil Robot Boy at 11:58 AM
2 Comments:
It should be noted that Mike Holmes also knows better than to rock a chinstrap beard. It compromises the entire face, and wastes Sting's time and mine.
Thanks for writing this.
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