Move Over, Encyclopedia Brown
I've decided to devote my life to solving mysteries. Not necessarily crimes per se, but mysteries. Like, investigating haunted houses, finding out where the hidden pirates gold is. Of course inevitably there will be crimes to solve, and jewel thieves and pirates to bring to justice, but that won't be the main goal behind my investigatorial services. Nope. The main reason is that I really want to start smoking a pipe. That, and I figure it's as good a use as any for my exceptional nightshade nightvision.
I’ll need a sidekick. For the time being, my sidekick is going to be Tigger, or as his mystery solving name will be, “Tenderfoot”. He brings to the organization the ability to power a small city with his whining. I’m a little bit worried about the fact that Tigger is only one week away from retirement though. It means that I have to start accepting applications for a new sidekick immediately.
Requirements for the job are as follows: you must be smart, but not as smart as me. Good looking with a degree of sex appeal, but not as good looking or sexy as me (unless you’re a woman, in which case there is no restriction on sexiness). The ratio of times where I save your ass to times where you save my ass must be at least two to one. Must own a trenchcoat, because I don’t own one and I’ll need to borrow yours. Must be able to provide me with steady supply of pipe tobacco. Must be willing to do all the dirty unglamourous grunt work while I get all the glory. Must worship the ground I walk on. Must provide own transportation, as well as transportation for me. Preferably in some hot and insanely impractical British roadster. Please submit résumés in comments box below.
I’ll need a sidekick. For the time being, my sidekick is going to be Tigger, or as his mystery solving name will be, “Tenderfoot”. He brings to the organization the ability to power a small city with his whining. I’m a little bit worried about the fact that Tigger is only one week away from retirement though. It means that I have to start accepting applications for a new sidekick immediately.
Requirements for the job are as follows: you must be smart, but not as smart as me. Good looking with a degree of sex appeal, but not as good looking or sexy as me (unless you’re a woman, in which case there is no restriction on sexiness). The ratio of times where I save your ass to times where you save my ass must be at least two to one. Must own a trenchcoat, because I don’t own one and I’ll need to borrow yours. Must be able to provide me with steady supply of pipe tobacco. Must be willing to do all the dirty unglamourous grunt work while I get all the glory. Must worship the ground I walk on. Must provide own transportation, as well as transportation for me. Preferably in some hot and insanely impractical British roadster. Please submit résumés in comments box below.
posted by Evil Robot Boy at 1:16 PM
3 Comments:
Dear Sh[moo]:
Thank you for your interest in the position of Sidekick within our organization. We have reviewed your qualifications, and we feel that you may be a suitable candidate. However, it appears as though you are located in Vancouver. Unfortunately we can not provide a moving allowance as part of your sign-on package. Unless you are willing to pay for your own relocation expenses, we are unable to offer you a job at this time.
Sincerely,
Evil Robot Boy Detective Agency
Ms. Conduct,
You'd make a good sidekick, but your availability (or lack thereof) is an issue. Tell you what. You're going to be Special Agent Kondukt, in charge of special investigations and special operations. Your specialties will include extensive knowledge of hockey and biting sarcasm. It's a special job. The only benefits will be the possibility of personal glory and fame. You get no travel allowance, although the band is going to try to do its best to pitch in for gas money from time to time.
can i be the street smart bootblack who always has a hot tip for you? "g'day guvner, hope this day finds you well" "why the queen mary set sail just last week, saw it with my own two eyes i did" "i would ask constable Wiggly about that i would"
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