Secret Mystery Man

Oh fake blog, how I've been ignoring thee.

Things have been pretty hectic and more than a little bit dire around here lately. For starters, my sidekick's been gone for a week, and still no suitable full-time replacement. At least he went out on a high note though; he singlehandedly found my work ID badge. Of course I think he was singlehandedly responsible for its disappearance, but let's not be picky over small details.

But the real problem has been that I haven't really been able to stumble across a real headline making mystery. Oh sure, I've had lots of interesting cases, but they've all been pretty small-time.

Well not anymore! I'm on the trail of a true mystery now, and I get to go undercover! And travel! I can't reveal any details just yet, but suffice to say it's going to be exciting, I get to go to Toronto and Montreal. But I've said too much already.

Anyway, here's a summary of some of the other cases I may have mentioned:

The Cat Crap Caper: Solved! Shocking end-of-mystery twist: it was Tigger AND Jazz!
Secret Of The Stinky Fridge: Solved! It was something that may have once been turnip!
The Mystery of Eastlink's Incompetence: Solved! It's run by idiots!
The Case of the Unwritten Song Lyrics: In progress. Still writing that damn song about Tony Hawk!
The Missing ID Badge: Solved! Not sure exactly where Tigger hid it, but it magically reappeared a week later in the middle of my bedroom floor.
The Dead Plant Riddle: solved! It needed water!

As of this second I am undercover. No further transmissions until Monday at the earliest.

'Til then,
Secret Agent Robot Boy.

Lyrics, Bah!

Okay. I’m no better at writing lyrics after one week of trying to come up with something than I ever was. Grrr. However, I did find out that I’m rather adept at doing second-rate ripoffs of other songwriters’ styles. For example:

Les Savy Fav-style lyrics in the form of “the _____ is _____ ”:

The chairs are knocked down
And the table’s upturned
The flames they were doused
But the fires still burned

U2 from the early 90’s-style contradictory pseudo-profundities:

You dream in colour
But your life’s black and white
You give the blind hope
When you have no sight

Pixies-style bizarre nonsense with a touch of erotic lyrics (you know, like “Tame”):

Sharp teeth glisten
Like Beelzebub’s horns
My seductress is laughing
Crim-son. love. a-waits

Lame-ass mid-tempo bar room blues band style lyrics as sung by some slimy Stevie Ray Vaughan wanna-be dude while skanky women do that gross grinding dance (think Blues Hammer):

You set my world on fire
Baby you release my desire

And just in case Jack Rational happens to be reading this,
Hidden Cameras-style homoeroticism:

Taste the love that drips from me
I’m hot sticky sweet
From my head to my feet


Now I just need to find my own voice.

Requests for your favourite lyricist with a distinct writing style can be posted below, and i may or may not write a verse in that style.

Added:

Morrissey/Smiths-style whiny clever literate lyrics:

I once walked meek along perilous paths
But now I throw all caution aside
And if you asked me again I would reply
I really don’t care if we both die
Yes I would reply, Oh I would replyyyyyyy
And if the sight of me makes you ill
Well it’s all right
It’s all right

Well I'm not sure how Curis Mayfield-esque it is, but here's a hot and sexy R&B/Soul song that I wrote when somebody on halifaxlocals asked what the lyrics are to the Tim Hortons loaf of soup song:

You fill me up with your hot soup
I can't wait to get some more
Oh baby,
let's make chowder tonight
C'mon fill my bowl
I love your soup
so creamy good
C'mon lick my bowl
I know you never
get enough
C'mon eat my bowl

eww.

Not now, I'm busy

This will likely be my only post this week. I've been ordered to complete a song for one of the bands I'm in, and it's probably going to take all my creative energies just to get it done by the weekend. Plus band practice for the other band because we have a show on Saturday. Writing the music is the easy part, it's the lyrics that are going to cause me grief. Past attempts at song lyrics have resulted in songs about solid state amps, Mary-Kate and Ashley's stupid video game, and something about a moonbase being attacked.

So, unless something really cool or bizarre happens to me this week, this is it. However, I don't want you to feel completely ripped off, so I'll leave you with a little something. There's a new position opening up where I work, and my supervisor concocted a lengthy exam for applicants to take. He asked me to take the exam in order to make sure it was of an appropriate length and difficulty. This is my answer to the last question on the exam. Seeing as he didn't pat me on the back or give me a high-five, I don't think my boss shares my sense of humour.

4.1 Your work organization Company X has been invited to state why it should be awarded a major software development contract. In paragraph form, write the body of a letter explaining why your company should be awarded the contract. This question will be assessed based on the quality of written communication.

Dear Company Y:

I am writing on behalf of Company X with regards to the upcoming software development contract you have open for bidding. Company X is interested in working with you on this project, and we are confident you will agree that we are the ideal candidate for this work.

Company X has extensive experience in this field. We have developed similar software packages in the past, including Software Package A and Software Solution B. We have a team of highly skilled software developers including several senior programmers who each have over 20 years of experience in the field. Our developers, many of whom are sober, are well versed in the latest software engineering practices.

At Company X, we see little point in reinventing the wheel. That is why we have a group of computer scientists dedicated to reverse engineering existing software from other companies. Our legal experts work tirelessly to find loopholes in copyright laws to ensure our products are on the streets, instead of getting tied up in the courts.

We take pride delivering a quality product on time and within budget. One method we have used to achieve this in the past is through the use of our overseas development facility. By using child labour in third world countries, we can write thousands of lines of code for you at a fraction of what it would cost to do in North America.

Finally, we also would like you to be aware of our ties to organized crime. By choosing Company X for your software development needs, you are not only ensuring the success if this project but also the safety of your families and friends.

Thank you for your time and consideration. We look forward to working with you soon.

Sincerely,




Some Guy
CEO, Company X